A Million Reasons Why
by MidnightIndigo
Summary: "Because we can go from yelling to cuddling in the space of ten minutes."  Mostly Caskett fluff.


**A/N: Sort of re-assimilating into the Castle fanfiction mode after a month of trying to get through writer's block, so I hope you enjoy this. I'm not sure how happy I am with it, mainly the end, (and I think mainly because it's not exactly how I wanted it when I had it in my head—but then again things never are…) but I hope it turned out alright.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

Rick was jerked from his half-sleep by the sound of his phone vibrating on the coffee table. He grabbed for it, disentangling his arm from where the four-year-old sleeping on his chest had been laying on it. He flexed his tingling fingers and grabbed it, trying not to shift the toddler and wake her up. The clock said one-thirty-four, and the last thing he needed was a spastic girl who refused to sleep—or worse, a daughter wondering why her mother had not yet returned from work.

It was an email, from Kevin Ryan. He opened the message.

"_Dude, she almost died today. You have to talk her off this case. I know you tried and she kicked you out last time, but she's going to get herself killed.  
>-Ryan"<em>

He exhaled. She'd told him they'd found a new lead, but she'd promised she wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole. He shot Ryan back a message.

"_I'll sleep on the couch if I have to, don't worry."_

Ryan must've been waiting for a response because his phone vibrated almost immediately. _"You've got guys, man. I wasn't really worried about where you end up sleeping. I'm worried whether you've still got that bulletproof vest."_

Rick chuckled weakly. A key turned in the lock and his grin faded. He hastily closed the email and dropped his phone back on the coffee table. She entered and immediately caught his eye. "Hey, what are you doing up?" she asked. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

He shook his head. "I woke up a minute or two ago. How's the case?"

She didn't reply, walking over and picking Anna up off her father's chest. Anna settled against her side, burying her fist in Kate's hair. "Hi, baby," Kate whispered.

"Hi, Mama," Anna mumbled in reply, tucking her face into Kate's shoulder.

"Kate," he said slowly as Anna slipped instantly back to sleep. "Did the case go okay today?"

She looked at him with an expression halfway between guilt and stubbornness, her lips pursed.

"My God, Kate, you can't go looking for a bullet!" he said in exasperation. "Remember the first time? You were dead for an entire minute on the operating table! You might've forgotten, seeing as how you were _dead at the time,_ but the rest of us didn't forget!" He tried not to yell so as not to wake Anna, but it was hard to keep his voice to an angry whisper.

"No," she snapped back over Anna's head, "I didn't forget. I know what happened, Rick. I don't forget things. I don't forget that people _die_. And some people aren't as lucky as me when they get shot or stabbed!"

Rick felt like he'd been shot or stabbed. Her eyes narrowed at him, she hissed, "I'm going to put Anna in bed and then we will talk about this." She shifted the girl slightly and with one final glare she turned to walk up the stairs. He scowled after her.

He could live with being yelled at. He could live with dirty looks. He could live with sleeping on the couch, or even being tazed. But he couldn't live without her, and if keeping her safe meant ticking her off he could live with that too.

She came back down, staring straight ahead, only looking down at him when she paused halfway up the stairs. He held onto her gaze, not hesitant in the slightest."

"Why do you have to do this?" she asked.

"What?"

"Interrogate me as soon as I walk in the door."

"If I wait I'll lose my nerve. You can't go and look to get yourself killed!"

She marched down the stairs, eyes flashing. He caught her hand before she could push him in the chest. "It's my job, Rick," she hissed. "That's what I do. I'm a cop. I'm always in danger!"

"You go _looking_ for trouble, Kate! You're trying to get yourself killed!"

"I'm trying to find the truth! You don't know! I get justice for all these people and my mom's killer is still out there!"

He grabbed onto her shoulders. "You think I don't know? The same people murdered the Captain! The same people shot you! And I don't know? I want justice for you! They almost took you once and if you're not careful I'm going to lost you, Anna's going to lose you! Do you want that? You were in college, do you want Anna to grow up without a mother?"

He wasn't ready for the sting of her hand across his jaw. He rubbed it as she retorted, "No, I don't! Because I know how that feels! I've seen daughters completely destroyed by their parent's death, and I would never want that for Anna! But I need the truth, Rick, like we need oxygen to breathe."

"What happened today?"

She glared at him harder.

"What happened? Or I'm going to have to ask one of the boys, and you know they exaggerate everything. And you know I'll overreact."

"You already are," she mumbled. Under another circumstance they might've laughed at Ryan and Esposito's expense, but now they just stared at each other. Finally Kate said, "We got a lead, a man…a man who worked at my mother's law firm, who…" she swallowed, looking away, and he could see tears starting to pool in her eyes that she'd been trying so hard to fight for the past few hours, "who was using an extensive false identity and applied…applied three days after my mom first talked to Joe Polgotti. We followed him to the Bronx-"

"What?"

"-and I got…I got separated—he had me before I knew it, and he tied me up, on a metal bar, and he was going to shoot me, he was ready to, said I've been getting too close for years…"

Horrific thoughts, worst case scenarios ran through his head. Not for the first time did he curse his overactive imagination. "Oh, God, Kate, oh my God," he whispered hoarsely.

"Ryan and Esposito got him, his finger was about to tighten on the trigger when they dropped him. It was like something you would've done—I guess they knew if I died they'd be dead…"

"Kate," he whispered, pulling her to his chest and holding onto her tightly, one hand around her entire back and the other cradling the back of her head. He felt her tears wetting his shirt. "Katie, Katie, Katie, please, don't you ever do anything like that ever again."

"I can't promise you that," she replied into his shirt, and holding onto him almost as tight as he was her. "You know I can't promise that."

"Then I'm never going to let you go, ever again," he told her. "So unless you want to stand here forever…"

"Rick, I can't promise that! I can't give it up, you know that. I tried, so long ago, and it came back, it keeps _coming back_, and I'm going to find these people or die trying."

"Kate," he snapped angrily. "You have to let it go. You can't keep doing this to us."

She tried to look back up at him to resume glaring, but it was difficult when he had her completely pressed against him. He kissed her on the forehead, which severely limited the intimidation factor. When she looked back down, shaking her head, he pressed his lips to her hair as well.

"Please, Kate," he said again, softer. "Please don't do that."

"I don't know how I can't," she murmured. "I've tried so hard to let it go and I just can't…"

"Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate," he said in reply, resting his cheek against her head.

"Why do you keep saying my name?" she asked quietly. She'd lost all the adrenaline, all the fight had gone out of her as she'd explained what had happened. Telling him the story had finally made her realize, after shrugging off the ambulance, the other cops, her partners, and the Captain, just how close to death she'd come. Yet somehow she'd escaped without a scratch. She'd been lucky, but her luck would run out at some point and then she'd be in trouble.

"Because I need to," he replied. "So just let me."

She held onto him tighter, if that was possible. "I can't let it go."

"You have to."

"I can't." Her voice was hard. "I've been trying to control that part of my mind since I got shot so it wouldn't happen like this when it cropped up again, but it didn't work."

"I'm sorry, but you need to. What if they come after Anna to get to you? Lockwood used Roy's family against him to get him to give them you!"

Her blood ran cold and she shivered. In all her focus on the case she hadn't considered the repercussions of what she was doing. "That won't happen."

"You can't promise that, unless you let this case go."

"How am I supposed to just let a case go? I'm not going to be happy, Gates won't like it-"

"Gates won't like her best detective being put on house arrest by said detective's husband," Rick countered. "And I will call her and let her know that."

"I'm scared that I'll never solve this case. That this person will keep getting away with murder and I'll never know the truth, and all these people, _my mom_, will never get the justice that they deserve."

Though it wasn't betrayed in her voice, he knew that she was about to lose her composure entirely; he sank to the couch, bringing her with him and letting her cry. Kate wasn't one to let anyone see her cry, but that restriction didn't apply to him—it never really had, as much as she'd tried to convince everyone that it did. Any barriers she might've pretended to exist had never been there.

"I can't lose this again, I've let these people slip through my fingers too many times and it needs to end."

"I know, I know," he told her comfortingly, rocking her slightly.

"And it's unfair that you and Anna are involved and I can't change anything, but if this isn't over than neither of you will ever be safe."

"I'm not really worried about myself," he informed her. "I care more about you and Anna. I got myself into this, and I care about you being happy, and I know that you're never going to be happy as long as this case goes unsolved."

"I'm trying, Rick," she replied. "Really, I just want this to be over."

They sat in silence for a moment, more of her tears leaking onto his t-shirt. He held her tightly, his chest tight with anguish at her despair. He wished he could take all of her pain away, as he wanted to every time she cried.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled.

He frowned in confusion. "For what?"

"For always unloading everything on you, I just…you're the only person I feel comfortable talking to…"

"No, no, no," he said, stopping her. "That's what I'm here for. Didn't you agree to marry me for my fabulous listening skills?"

"Not to mention your overwhelming modesty," she snorted. "But no, that's not why I married you."

"Then why did you?"

She grinned up at him slightly. "I dunno," she said teasingly. He frowned again, but thoughtfully. After a minute she said, "You know, this all feels very familiar. Just the situation. It feels like déjà vu. Like not letting me apologize-"

"No, it was you not letting me apologize," Rick said darkly, remembering. "And we were freezing to death."

"Oh, right." Silence again, until… "Hey, Rick?"

"Yes?"

"Remember when you said that I'd been hiding in my mom's case because I was afraid to let myself be happy, like back before I got shot?"

"Kate-"

"No, just let me talk. You were right. There was only one constant and that was the case, but when you showed up you were constant and I didn't want to lose that. And now I'm not going to and I have Anna and I still can't let it go and I'm scared that I never will."

He kissed the top of her head. "You will, beautiful. You're extraordinary." He continued to pepper her hair with kissed and she shivered in his arms. It made him shiver too and a small smile played on her lips as she closed her eyes and sunk farther against his chest. Maybe there was still a shadow of discontentment in her mind, but she could push it away for the most part late at night sitting with him.

"You know why I married you, then?" His voice vibrated in his chest on which her shoulder was resting, a round sound that resounded through her soul like a gong.

"Why?"

"A million reasons. You're smart, funny, beautiful-"

"Those are reasons to date someone, not marry them."

"I wasn't done yet. Because Kate Castle sounds like music to my ears. Because I didn't want to have to see you with anybody else. Because I want to live solely to make you smile. Because I can't picture anyone else holding you on their lap to comfort you after a tough day. Because we can go from yelling to cuddling in the space of ten minutes. Because when I look at you or hold you or stand next to you, all the songs make sense." With every sentence her smile widened, and still he continued. "Because every time you smile I could live forever without the sun as long as you keep smiling and I keep making you smile. Because-"

"Rick," she laughed, cutting him off. "I get it."

"I told you. A million reasons. Okay, your turn."

"My turn what?"

"Why did you marry me, Detective? Why did you say yes?"

She grinned at him. "Because somehow, despite or because of your corny wannabe-cop gallows humor, your lame puns, your obnoxious tendency to touch everything, and your complete inability to act over twelve, you still made me love you. And that, my love, is an accomplishment."

He smiled, the smallest bit of triumph showing on his face. They sat in silence some more until she had fallen asleep, and he didn't want to wake her. His phone vibrated once again, a one line text. "_How'd it go?_"

Writing back with his one free hand, he grinned, watching her rise and fall slightly on his chest as he pressed send, before he drifted off to sleep as well. "_It went spectacularly. I did end up sleeping on the couch, but I'm not alone."_

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! I did like writing it, even though it took me a few days. And while I was typing it up I was cursing my decision to write in pink pen. Light's too dim, haha.**

**Don't forget to let me know what you thought!**

**-Indy**


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